Siempre Tuyo

Whelp. He smells good.

Like surreally good.

And he’s pretty.

Like really pretty.

Le sigh.

Wow. You officially gain the title Father of the Year. Let’s give a list of your accomplishments, shall we?

1. Missed the birth of your second son. Good on you.

2. Failed to turn in the paperwork so that he could have your last name on his birth certificate, even though I gave you a check to pay for it. I believe this was one of the many times you blamed it on the USPS.

3. Gave me a total of $200 to cover sixteen months worth of life. Which balanced out to about two weeks worth of formula and a month worth of diapers. Not to mention that I had to harass you for even that measly amount. Thanks.

4. Blowing your money on stupid material things rather than coming to be a father to your child. Twice. Awesome.

5. Not getting to know or asking about your child. Commendable.

6. Missing the court date regarding child support and blaming it on your sister hijacking your mail, rather than admitting that you were irresponsible and didn’t file a change of address with either the post office or child support services.

I could go on, but you’re really not worth my time or words. Thank the stars that I am able to speak to your sister regularly and we have become good friends. Your inadequacies provide us with endless entertainment.

It’s so amazing how your worst enemies can end up being your best friends. And how those you loved dearly can become your most despised. I spent nearly three years detesting someone because of false information. What a waste. It hurts to think of wasted time, but now I have an accomplice and that feeling is awesome. The best part is that she genuinely cares about my son, knows firsthand everything that I talk to her about without having to provide the whole sad back story, and is helping in ways that are so unbelievably beneficial. She saved my sanity, my self-esteem, and probably my semester at school by being there for me. 

I owe her big time.

Lesson of the day: you can run, but you can’t hide.

I have GOT to get my camera fixed because this summer is shaping up to be awesome.

1. French classes, tumbling sessions, and swimming lessons with my main man, Judy. We have so much stuff planned it’s ridiculous. And of course, more trips to the beach, zoo, and aquarium. 

2. Seeing friends and family is always good, particularly when many of those friends have new babies to squeeze. A four hour flight with a toddler is sure to be a nightmare, but I’ll have a week to recover before doing it again. And King Julian needs to show off all his new tricks to people who only know him for sleeping and eating.

3. History Conferences. There’s nothing better than being in a room of people who actually WANT to hear your twenty page long paper on the religiosity of the English Civil War.

4. ROAD TRIP! A ten day road trip with my closest lady means the most raucous ten days of my life. Granted the point of it is to visit all my possible doctoral programs, but there’s a lot of time in between, and Ms. Dehart is the only person I would want to spend that time with. Here we come Indiana, Ohio, and North Carolina. You don’t even know what you’re in for.

Truly, there are few greater joys in life than seeing a picture of your ex’s new girlfriend and seeing what a huge downgrade she is. Day = made.

I’m writing this here because I know you occasionally read it. I just had a three hour long conversation in which every single one of your lies for the last three years (well, most of them) was exposed. I know Alyssa moved in back in March when Zach left, I know about the dog, I know about the filthy conditions that you allowed that poor kid to live in and the truancies, I know that all the comments about not having money because of daycare expenses were a load of crap. I know about your new girlfriend, I know Alyssa got arrested in your rental car, and I know about all the debt you’ve racked up around town in loans. There’s more too, but I don’t need to get into all of it. Just know that I know.

You’re an idiot to do so much lying in such a small town.

i wish people would stop treating me like i am a child or as though i am not an intelligent human being. there is very little that irritates me more.

do not tell me that you are making me late to work because you hit traffic.

no, you didn’t.

and even if you did, you would have had plenty of time to deal with the traffic had you left at an appropriate time. i am so annoyed by all the stupid little lies and snarky, condescending comments made to me that i have a hard time now differentiating them from the massively, life-altering ones that really SHOULD piss me off. why? because i have been told so many on a daily basis for so long that now they are one in the same and everyone has a huge fucking stamp across their forehead reading: LIAR. 

unfortunately, the worst offenders are usually those for whom i have put the most effort in. and by effort, i mean time, money, love, sweat, tears. i remember being so proud. but never for too long. it never took too much time before the truth came out. 

i find out new things about my son’s father nearly every day. like how he couldn’t get the money together to move, but i now know he must have been saving in some way by co-habitating with his sister. jude was never part of his financial equation, however, so lord knows where the money went this time. because it certainly didn’t go into the purchase of a stamp to mail the child support papers that he lied to the sheriff about. i believe that’s a felony, but that’s neither here nor there. 

as far as he’s concerned, though, the lies are so abundant that he is the one person i know of who can lie to me without making me angry. mainly because after three years, it’s expected. there is no anger or sadness anymore, and i have learned that all of the good images i had worked up in my head weren’t any more real than his words. so now, i’m left with nothing. 

which is a lot easier to walk away from than a loss.

i’m still waiting for the day when i will wake up and this will all feel okay.